Tuesday, June 27, 2006


"I was hit in the head and knocked unconscience."

This means that a blow to the cranium robs you of your moral code, apparently. Watch out for low hanging objects...(hey-oh!)

So I thought playing Candy Starr was fun, but she's got nothin' on Fastrada. Holy crap, every rehearsal, more and more stuff bubbles out of me (gross) for this character. I don't know where it comes from, and it's a little frightening that I could have so much fun playing a trophy wife with a reverse Oedipal complex, but dang, when you get to mix Katherine Hepburn, Minnie Mouse and John Lithgow in one voice, and get to be over-the-top sexually charged, it's a good time.

Would anyone think less of me if I seriously harmed a child? I have in mind little "Abbey"...or at least, this is what her mother keeps calling her over and over in full voice at the freaking library. "Abbey, sit in your chair right now, I mean it or we're never coming here again." (Child immediately gets up and runs to the magazine rack. Mother pursues.) "Abbey, if you don't sit back down in your chair this instant, I mean it, we're--one...twoooo...sit down! We are never coming here again and you're not getting any icecream, I mean it!" (Child does horrible fake cry and throws herself on ground). "Abbey, we might get icecream if you stop right this minute." (Child gets up and bangs on computer.) "Abbey, we do not hit, Abbey. Abbey, I promise, we are never doing this again. Abbey, I will give you icecream if you stop."

Abbey, I will promise not to hold your nose and mouth shut at the same time if you can shut up for two seconds. Abbey, Mommy will give you an arsenic icee when we get home! Abbey, if you keep banging on the keys like that, Mommy will have to play the "See Who Can Hold Their Breath the Longest" game...in the pool...underwater...while Mommy sits on you.

Oh dear God. That is by far the sickest thing I have ever written. I should delete it. Heather, please do not read this...

Oh crap, I just hit "publish". I must be unconscience.


Commodore said...

Definitely keep the post. It's funny.

I wrote a poem today. It's about traffic. Too much swearing to publish on a blog ... but it disturbs even me a little.

I put another poem on the Sodalitas Macula site.

I'm off to (upstate) New York for the slam conference on Thursday. Wish me luck!

Tammy said...

keep the post, I have had those same feelings too, but not toward the child. Toward the mother who does not have enough sense to pick up the kid an whip its butt (I have done this) and leave with the kid in tow, screaming and kicking all the way. Beleive me if she would do that a couple of times while their at this age, then maybe she wont be visiting them in Jail or worse in the grave yard, because they did not get the proper disipline when it was needed.

heather anderson said...

oh my gosh I just laughed so hard - thanks for the birthday hilarity! :) Would I be sent to jail if I admitted that I thought those same thoughts toward my OWN darling children at times? Add in a few thoughts about duct tape and closets and there ya go... been there, thought that. And I agree with Tammy - somebody give that kid a good whoopin'!!!