Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Excerpts from the new English to Sarah Dictionary, now at your local Barnes and Noble.

Statement:
"I think we could learn a lot from each other."

Translation:
"I think you could learn a lot from me."

Statement:
"I was thinking about that last situation/statement/comment and I've come to a conclusion."

Translation:
"I was poring over that last sitaution/statement/comment and analyzing it from every possible angle, turning it inside out, making it mean something entirely different than what was originally intended, then spending time worrying about possible future implications of the situation/statement/comment one, five, and ten years down the road, making mental spreadsheets and pie charts, then re-thinking everything based on my conclusion, and am standing here talking to you about it now as though I spent thirty seconds in between SVU re-runs and it's just now crossed my mind and I felt like, oh, on a whim, bringing it up in between a conversation about farts and my dog."

Statement:
"I really liked the new Superman movie"

Translation:
"Brandon Routh is my new boyfriend."

Statement:
"Whoooo-hooo!"

Translation:
"Don't let me drink any more."

Statement:
"I loves me some chocolate cake!"

Translation:
"I loves me some chocolate cake!"

Statement:
"Yeah, so..."

Translation:
"You've dropped the ball in the conversation, and now I have to resort to monosyllabic filler words. I can even drag out the 'sooooo', but it's your turn to pick up the slack, because obviously, I can't think of anything intelligent to say."

Statement:
"I walk like I know where I'm going."

Translation:
"Where the hell am I?"

1 comment:

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