Thursday, September 07, 2006

If I were a superhero, do you know what my super powers would be?

Allow me to tell you.

I would rid the world of "Support Our Troops" (or "Breast Cancer" or whatever the hell cause you have) ribbon magnets that are placed horizontally on cars rather than vertically. They look like deranged Jesus fish when they're not positioned properly, like they're taking a swim off the back of your car. I suppose people think they'll be easier to read if they're horizontal, but really, they just look ridiculous, and I want to make the world a better place by helping people not annoy me so much.

I would ensure that everyone spelled the contraction of "you" and "are" correctly. Civil war in Iraq? Bad. Homelessness in America? Wrong. Writing me a message to me saying "your pretty" instead of "you're pretty"? Just plain heinous and sick. I've obliterated sub-par evil doers for less.

I would also make sure that no one was able to sing "Phantom of the Opera" songs for community theatre auditions. Lex Luthor tried to make his own evil island, but it doesn't hold a candle to some pre-pubescent girl screaming "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" in her own key.

Finally, I would make several routinely overpriced things available to the masses...
1. Therapy ($120 an hour for me to pour my heart out, only so you can ask me more questions and nod thoughtfully?)
2. Quality cut and color. (Seriously, $200 to look good for six weeks? Four really, if you count regrowth...)
3. Good shoes and boots. (A heel with two straps of leather should not cost more than $35...I don't care what kind of animal it came from or who hand sewed it.)
4. Breast implants. (It should be a scholarship based on need.)

Dah, dah, dah DAH!!

1 comment:

heather anderson said...

LOL... scholarship based on need. I like that -- a LOT! Where do I send my application?! ;)