I'm learning to relax in my old age. Things that once drove me batty are now only driving me slightly nuts (batty is to slightly nuts as fingernails on the chalkboard are to a that annoying guy in Chipotle who won't chew with his mouth closed). One thing in particular that used to drive me particularly batty is when people fuck up (and yes, I said "fuck"...close your eyes, Heather :)) certain turns of phrase. Now, I just think it's amusing...for the most part.

For example, the other day a patient came in and told us she got her wisdom teeth out on "Valentimes Day". Ah, yes, St. Valentime, the patron saint of watches...LOVE that holiday. Another notable "eff" up (that was for Heather) is the word "immaculant", as in, "Her house was so clean...everything was 'immaculant'". Or the phrase, "I like her, she seems 'generally' nice" instead of genuinely nice. Apparently, this person is "more or less" nice, or perhaps just "approximately" nice.

Some of my favorites, though, are as follows...and get ready to laugh your asses off, as I do mine (well, not really...I need to laugh a bit more, obviously). My friend at work likes to say "bath it", as in, "That cat is really dirty. You oughta 'bath it'". This phrase has become so dear to me, that I like to slip it into conversation normally now. I think it has a nice ring to it. Another friend used to say that she "Clun the microwave with Windex." Past tense... It would make sense, though, if you think about it: clean, clane, clun. "I will clean the microwave today, I'm claning it now, and I clun it yesterday!"

I clun the cat by bathing it.

My absolute, hands down, mac-and-cheese-over-16-oz.-sirloin-any-day favorite, that really gets me every time (yes, laughing in the library now, to disdainful stares) is the one Jen used the other day: "Don't lawyers sometimes do cases for free? You know, pro boner?"

This needs no further comment.

So yes, I used to be one of those people that would hear these things and then work the actual word into the next sentence while emphasizing slightly the correct pronunciation. ("Yes, her house is quite immaculate!") But now I realize that people aren't going to like you any more for helping them with their grammar, nor will they thank you at some English Language awards show, nor will they probably change their speech patterns just because you've decided that your life goal is to rid the world of St. Valentime. In fact, they might respect you a little more in the long run for not being so nit-picky...

At least, that's what supposably ought to happen...