Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I'm learning to relax in my old age. Things that once drove me batty are now only driving me slightly nuts (batty is to slightly nuts as fingernails on the chalkboard are to a that annoying guy in Chipotle who won't chew with his mouth closed). One thing in particular that used to drive me particularly batty is when people fuck up (and yes, I said "fuck"...close your eyes, Heather :)) certain turns of phrase. Now, I just think it's amusing...for the most part.

For example, the other day a patient came in and told us she got her wisdom teeth out on "Valentimes Day". Ah, yes, St. Valentime, the patron saint of watches...LOVE that holiday. Another notable "eff" up (that was for Heather) is the word "immaculant", as in, "Her house was so clean...everything was 'immaculant'". Or the phrase, "I like her, she seems 'generally' nice" instead of genuinely nice. Apparently, this person is "more or less" nice, or perhaps just "approximately" nice.

Some of my favorites, though, are as follows...and get ready to laugh your asses off, as I do mine (well, not really...I need to laugh a bit more, obviously). My friend at work likes to say "bath it", as in, "That cat is really dirty. You oughta 'bath it'". This phrase has become so dear to me, that I like to slip it into conversation normally now. I think it has a nice ring to it. Another friend used to say that she "Clun the microwave with Windex." Past tense... It would make sense, though, if you think about it: clean, clane, clun. "I will clean the microwave today, I'm claning it now, and I clun it yesterday!"

I clun the cat by bathing it.

My absolute, hands down, mac-and-cheese-over-16-oz.-sirloin-any-day favorite, that really gets me every time (yes, laughing in the library now, to disdainful stares) is the one Jen used the other day: "Don't lawyers sometimes do cases for free? You know, pro boner?"

This needs no further comment.

So yes, I used to be one of those people that would hear these things and then work the actual word into the next sentence while emphasizing slightly the correct pronunciation. ("Yes, her house is quite immaculate!") But now I realize that people aren't going to like you any more for helping them with their grammar, nor will they thank you at some English Language awards show, nor will they probably change their speech patterns just because you've decided that your life goal is to rid the world of St. Valentime. In fact, they might respect you a little more in the long run for not being so nit-picky...

At least, that's what supposably ought to happen...

28 comments:

KL said...

OMG - Twit woman! I have a list too! I think we need to write a book, I mean REALLY.

There are different categories of this sort of thing. Have you noticed?

There are the kinds of things you mentioned (and please keep them coming because my ass needs some serious work), and then there are the ones constantly uttered by old people (and I know I shouldn't make fun of old people, but I can't help it -- I just spent four excruciating days with my 82 year old grandma.)

Examples:

"Doc says I have cadillacs, but I'm not going to get the operation."

"Let's park in valid parking so we don't have to walk."

Arrrggghh.

Oh well. For all intensive purposes these people mean well.

Commodore said...

I have to chime in on this one as well ...

"We'll get some new equipment after the "physical" year." Now, does that mean January 1st, because the fiscal year ends June 30th.

Being from the south I do take a little pride in "cutting on" the TV.

I think this is some form of the electric company's ability to "cut-off" the power. If it can be cut off, then surely it can also be "cut-on".

How does one cut it on? By "mashing" the buttons.

In my southern world, any soft drink is called a "coke" whether you want a coke, pepsi, or a mountain dew.

I know I've deviated from the actual topic, so I'll hit you this prize winner:

"Ex-specially" ... hey people ... there is no X in especially!

dale said...

"I could care less!". Well, if you could care less, than you care to some appreciable degree. I think you mean "I couldn't care less" which actually means you care as little as possible. That one really hankles me.

No cost for that. It was pro boner.

dale said...

"I know i did it, but do you think you can get me one of them there flea bargains?"

Uh brother! If I hear this one more time. It's PLEA bargain you moron!!!

dale said...

Not along the exact lines, but close.

A secretary in our office was talking about her 5 years old and his experience in kindergarten. She was proud and delighted..."He's so popular", she said..."He gets along with everyone. He's such a little socialist"! ....The sad thing is, she was so proud she used a big word...

This is the same woman who asked if bald eagles were still extinct.

I can't make this stuff up...

dale said...

...sorry about the typos in those last posts. I spell much better than I type. I spell with three fingers. I only type with two.

KL said...

Umm, Sarah, I meant to call you "Twitch" woman, not "Twit" woman!

dale said...

Apparently "kl" types with two fingers also...LOL

Eric said...

LMAO...this will attest to my stupidity on the issue, but I am absolutely guilty of using "for all intensive purposes"! I didn't even know it was wrong until about five minutes ago when I looked it up after seeing it italicized in Kathylynn's post.

Oh, God, the Mensa police are here to punish me...

dale said...

Eric, I'll negotiate a flea bargain for you with those pesky Mensa Police...

Eric said...

Dale, you'll have to do it pro-boner for me, I'm afraid. Although I do have a time share in Cancun...

whatsamaddau said...

Dale's a nut ... you need your ass kicked

Megan said...

Thank you Dale, for the "couldn't care less" post. I've trid to explain that to so many people, and I just recieve blank stares.

My favorite "Misuse of the English Language" comes from an old friend of mine, who was convinced that the word "behave" was actually two words-"be have". He would use those two words in sentances such as "Your dog isn't being have". I went so far as to look it up in the dictionary with him, but he still refused. I think thats when I stopped talking to him.

By the way, sorry to just jump in on the blog! I found it through Eric Ewing and the Much Ado cast blog. Its amazing how many theatre people in town you can catch up on through these sites!

Marc said...

Eric....I use "intensive purposes" often for comic effect, knowing full well it's wrong of course :).

Tammy said...

I guess I do miss use the english language a lot,,, but I will contribute it to the fact that was brought up in the country where words seem to run together to form a new meaning....

dale said...

Megan...my pleasure. I could care less what you think (error intentional).

Eric...I'm staying away from Cancun, especially with you. Nothing personal. No wait! Yes it is!..Unless of course you get a dissolutionment of marriage (It's DISSOLUTION people!!!...not dissolutionment. Hearing this one is like chewing on tin foil...but that just might be a weird, nerd, blood sucking lawyer thing)

whatsamaddau...bring it on...you're probably right...LOL

KL said...

So everyone here agrees then, I'm way smarter than Eric, right? (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) Don't worry, Eric, we won't tell the Mensa people.

Tammy said...

rats

Sarah said...

Nobody mentioned my "supposably" joke, so I'm guessing you got it and didn't think I was a total idiot. I've also heard of "supposenly" as a variation. Oh, and then (poor Jen) Jen said the other day, speaking of Mormons, "A lot of them are ultra-religious and they live in combines."

Sarah said...

And who are you, "whatsamaddau"?

dale said...

Ouch. Living in a combine.

Tammy said...

whatsamaddau is someone not brave enough to show himself . Afraid a lawyer may claim a suite against him

dale said...

...has anyone ever eaten bristle sprouts???

Tammy said...

Yeah they are a little prickly

whatsamaddau said...

Like you're (or for all of you blog freaks "your") identifying yourself Tammie ... or is it Tammee ... or just Tamme. I'm just a blog crasher who likes to check out what everyone's talking about.
Dale I like your style, Tammy you need some help!

Tammy said...

everyone needs help, even you

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