Monday, December 18, 2006

The Doctor is IN...

I'm not sure when I got to be such a guru, and I don't mean to toot my own (French) horn, but I'm pretty great with advice. I may even start charging for it. Of course, my charges will be flexible based on what you have to give. Dolly Parton's father gave the doctor who birthed her a sack of cornmeal. So, you, for instance, could give me your Ipod for the gems I dish out. "My Ipod?!!?" you may shout indignantly. "How is an Ipod at all comparable to a sack of cornmeal?"

Funny you should ask! I had to do some serious calculationing (yes, "calculationing") here, such as factoring in inflation, as well as comparing the relative value of each said item to the particular individual giving it. Now, Dolly was born about sixty years ago into a poor family, so a sack of cornmeal was a pretty big deal, seeing as though it was necessary for living. You, however, probably have an adequate amount of food, but are clearly attached to your Ipod, and if you're like me, you cannot live at work without it (my job is more than mind-numbing). I'm just trying to get you where it hurts without you necessarily having to sacrifice actual money.

Though I do accept all major credit cards.

My advice is so darn good, I've begun receiving actual visceral, emotional responses to it, like tears, smiles of glee or one enthusiastic reaction I like to call "throwing things" (I'm pretty sure people aren't intentionally aiming for my head.) I was able to elicit the first of these last week when speaking to a class of high school Seniors on neuro-linguistic programming. I always close my lectures with a bit on dating, because really, that's all these kids care about right now. (Body language in the workplace? Who cares. Body language in the backseat of your car? Go on.)

So, I was telling the girls to always believe a guy's body language over what he actually says, because we know that men are 1.) dirty liars* and 2.) don't like to be yelled at by girls, so they often will be ambiguous with their language so they don't actually have to say, "I just don't like you." So what happens is these girls hang on to dead end crushes or relationships because of a few misleading phrases ("I'm not ready for a relationship right now", "I'm just busy", etc.), and they "waste the pretty", meaning, they waste time on guys who don't like them, when they could be with somebody who adores them. I then tell the girls that "he's just not that into you" and advise that they move on.

I deliver this to these females and one cute little blonde raises her hand. She looks at me and with tears in her eyes says, "You've seriously just ruined my life." She writes down the name of the book I recommended to the class, then looks at me again, "I really just want to go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out."

I'm glad I could help.

Geez, I'm a jerk. I probably shouldn't have taken her Ipod from her after that.

*I really don't believe that guys are dirty liars...this just usually gets a laugh in class.

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